Wed, Apr. 27th, 2011, 02:28 am
If you fail to learn something new about yourself, you fail to exist. Existence, per my view, is a constant evolution of character. In any story, a character can not remain stagnant and still be a character. It's always advantageous to develop yourself and understand who you are, as well as possible.
I now understand why I don't hang out with the people I use to. The last two times I've been invited have been to parties and to situations where both drugs and alcohol would be present. I can stand being around alcohol, to some extent. I'm not about to hang out with drug users while they use drugs. I'm not saying they are bad people, but I can't pretend I enjoy hanging out with people who are partaking in action I consider as imbecilic as can get. I've come to realize that this is why I am where I am, and I enjoy this. There used to be a joke about me having no morals, which I would agree with. Morals mean nothing. A set of standards that we follow because we set them and they mildly make sense are worthless. There is no one size answer. Integrity will get you a lot further than morals. The flexibility to do the right thing in the situation is key to high character. Having said this, I'm the only one of about 6 people I've made a vow with to stay away from drugs and alcohol, even going as far as giving up caffeine. I'm aware this comes off as smug, and that's fine. The thoughts of others on this issue don't concern me, as there is no good argument to act contrarily, at least to me. This is, of course, subjective.
Happiness is not an abundance of friendship, but rather a friendship worth having. It used to be lonely. I used to be bothered by the fact that I had no friends left. I had thought maybe I had committed an act that left me blacklisted. This could be. Without answers, I can't find myself to any longer care. If people don't want to hang out because they don't want to give up drug time, fuck them.
This could offend the one third of a person who reads this, but it's closure for me. I've got about 2 or 3 good friends, but I like myself. That's more than most fuckers can say for themselves.
Sat, Apr. 2nd, 2011, 11:49 pm
Ran into Adrian a few days ago. Talked for a decent while. Cool stuff.
Sometimes, it's best to just realize that people aren't trying to be fuck ups. There are too many variables to make an accurate judgement on any situation you're not intimately knowledgeable of.
This sometimes include your own.
The first two things are not related, the second and third are, and this is poop.
Sat, Mar. 19th, 2011, 06:46 pm
It's pretty good. Ran into an old friend today, in a way. It was pretty fun, and reminded me of what I miss. It doesn't bother me as much as it used to, and I hold no resentment towards anyone. We still don't know where we'll live, as the house is at least a few months from being safe to live in. In case you missed it, the foundation of the house blew out, flooding the basement about 5 inches from the top. As soon as I find a new place to live, I'm going to start looking up the people who mattered most to me. Regardless of the fact that they may not mean as much to me now (which is largely unknown for most of them), I feel I should thank them. I don't feel an urge to bridge gaps just to do so, but there are things I feel I should say before we're all dead. Not that anyone is dying, that I know of.
Nonetheless, this is my millionth 'old friends' psuedo-attempt.
Fri, Mar. 18th, 2011, 11:50 pm
I thought you were a friend, but I guess I, I guess I hate you...
Tue, Jan. 11th, 2011, 06:05 pm
So the last tradition from high school has finally died. It is the first year that my pizza party consisted entirely of me. It's a reminder of where I am in life. I have no real world contact with any one who doesn't live here, I've been to zero games, parties, events, or anything. I've received zero invites. Perhaps I've done something, perhaps it is just time, and likely it is both.
While a bit disheartening, it's not the end. I am mildly bothered, but I'm much more comfortable about who I am.
Thu, Oct. 21st, 2010, 09:28 pm
So it seems...
So it seems the person I spoke of before has now moved on. And he still has a number of my DVDs. It is interesting to note, however, that I don't miss this person much. About 4 days after I wrote what I wrote, I find that not only has he read it, but he has this notion in his head that the best remedy is to 'kick my ass'. He knows, and I'm sure he's going to read this, that what I said is true. If so, I'd like you to take time to find a good reason that violence or worrying about me is going to solve your problems. I have spoken to you, and this is how it ended. Every person has faults, because they are subjective and up to the impression of everyone. If you don't think you have a problem, then why get made about it? I've spoken to the people you've left abused, and it's quite odd to hear you complain of the opposite. Perhaps I am wrong, and you are not to blame. It does certainly seem, however, that you are only running away from the havoc you have created. If this is how a friendship ends, with you running away from the lives you have crushed at the instance that anyone calls you out...well... I have a heard time calling you a decent human being. True enough, there is a person in there with feeling and meaning. Perhaps a great person. This self centered attitude will be the death of you once again. Now is the time to face up or fuck off.
Balls in your court, Lance.
I hate self-centered, self-assured, egotistical rat bastards who lie to themselves and deceive the word with false incantations of their own greatness. A friend of mine revealed to me, recently, that he's never been at fault for the end of any of his relationships. He told me how he hated when people tried to make him feel wrong. I tried to argue that he was indeed wrong, and especially on his former statement. I mentioned several relationships where this ego (which he claims he doesn't have, of course) stood in the way of reason, and eventually of a working relationship. But alas! My words full on stubbornly self-righteous ears. Self-anything, short of self-esteem, is generally a negative quality. Want happiness? Want love? Want to change? Open your eyes, see how beautiful the world is and how inherently self defeating your view of yourself is. The world is full of great people who rarely knowingly do things to hurt others if they don't feel they help someone else. You will be wrong, you will hurt someone else, and you are an ass. It's best to face up and realize this. I used to have the worst problem in this vein. For years, I was never wrong. If I was, I'd make up something just to be right. I think it even got me into urbandictionary (semi-joking here). One day, however, I found myself friendless. Here I was with a whole world a head of me, and no one to talk to. Which is how I met this asshole anyway. Regardless, I came to realize that when you're wrong and you admit you, you are no longer wrong. When you are willing to accept wrongness, you can quickly become right. It's progress. If it forever cost me the people I used to call friends, then so be it. At the end of the day, I can say I'm a better person than I was.
And quit calling me at 3 in the morning.
I find that perhaps the saddest thing in my life is something that I feel I have little control over. I am, for the most part, content with life. I still need a job, and I still need to figure out what I want to do. However, the thing that bothers me the most is likely my lack of decent memory.
You see, I remember things that mean nothing. Like Super Bowl MVPs, names of porn websites, and random facts. However, I can not picture in my head what my mother looked like. I become confused and distressed trying to think of what fucking game I planned on playing. I cannot set up an order or agenda for anything as it usually results in me battling to figure out what it is and every thing. I also over-analyze things, which is a separate issue until I start thinking about shit I don't remember. In which case it becomes a hellish cycle of inactivity and frustration. It is indeed sad to me. I've thought about what it could be. I've given long thought to it. My parents drug use? Perhaps. Hitting my head too much? Perhaps. Traumatic childhood experience? Never really had any. I have no fucking clue.
I just thought I'd write that and get back in here. Good day.
Sat, Nov. 10th, 2007, 07:39 pm
You were better when you were dead...
Current mood: annoyed
have come to notice that people quickyly make an ascension upon death.
To clarify, I'm talking about the way that most people (I use 'most'
because the only people I can think of otherwise are long dead and
history judged.) I've paid any sort of attention to are made better by
death. It seems that jerks become alright people, alright people become
good people, good people become great people, and 'great' people become
Saints. Mind bogglingly enough, it almost unequivally happens today.
You have to be a mass murderer or child rapist to still be considered a
bad person upon death, and even then some sympathy is bought (though
signifacantly less). There is this ever serving idea of respect for the
dead, whatever that means. I, for one, do not buy into this. I do not
see why I should be nice, shut up, and feel sorry for a man who was
never anything near good because he is no longer alive. Death does not
replace his life deeds. Death makes him no wiser, and apparently the
living only more naive. After watching the video of Christopher
Hitchins laying into the already dead Jerry Falwell (quiet harshly, but
Hitchins was asked to relay his feeling and invited on the air to do
such) and being attacked for being insensitive by the host of the show.
Now it seems to me that Hitchins was the only person on said show with
a deal of perspective. It was a well documented fact that he had an
incredible disdain for Falwell, yet he gets invite on for exactly the
reason of attack, I suppose. Personally, I've never liked Falwell. The
man is a liar (the Bill Clinton conspiracy of cocaine dealings on a
large scale in which he interviewed a fearing 'journalist' who ended up
being the producer of the exact video he was making is a riot) and a
thief (televangelist, I suppose). The points in which Hitchins brought
up were sheerly about how he teaches bigotry (homophobia) and uses it
for money. Falwell is the man who claimed Tinky Winky was gay (though
too unoriginal to be the first) and said "AIDS is the wrath of a just
God against homosexuals. To oppose it would be like an Israelite
jumping in the Red Sea to save one of Pharaoh's charioteers ... AIDS is
not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for
the society that tolerates homosexuals." and "The abortionists have
got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And
when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I
really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the
feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to
make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American
Way -- all of them who have tried to secularize America -- I point the
finger in their face and say 'you helped this happen.'" on the 9/11
attacks. But enough Falwell, I'm beginning to get preachy.
find this is not just the case with celebrities. Such is the case often
in my own family. It is one thing to feel sorrow because a fallout
before someone passed. It is another, however, to reinvite such person
into something more than they were and get mad when other people hold
correct memories of them. It is, perhaps, overly sensitive to think
that every who dies deserves your respect. The correct analysis, then,
would be that everyone who deserves your respect deserves your respect.
Let's be honest, if your dad is a jerk and a major one at that, you can
be said when he dies, a I might apologize for the loss, but I'd still
hate the guy. And he'd still be a jerk. Death did not absolve how
terrible a person is or was. I'd be quiet about it, but do believe the
second you ask my feelings I would not lie, nor do I believe anyone
- Add Comment - Edit - Remove
what? Please extend the question. As of now, I take it as 'Why should
we not be kin in death?' to which I have said nearly all I can. I do
not believe there is anything sacred in death. I'm not going to be mean
to someones family when they are dead, but if asked and I do not like
the departed, why should I change my opinion or hide it? In death you
gain nothing. If I am to be judged as better than I am after death,
then what point is their in living? If you helped me out all my life
and die, you did not suddenly help me out all my life that should be
completely and utterly static. Evil people do not become justified in
death nor good people furthered in it. It is the most guaranteed thing
in life. I would not be special to die and it is so common an
occurrence that perhaps we all need to learn to cope with who people
are and not who we will pretend they were.
Posted by Mr. Hero on
Saturday, November 10, 2007 at
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Fri, Oct. 5th, 2007, 07:32 am
The situation has again arose, in my head. I've seen what I shouldn't of and thought something that surely is out of the norm for myself. At this end, it seems to be that I go round again. How many more can there be? This isn't the first time ever, certainly. However, I do feel I know myself entirely too well now to fail at protecting myself from myself. It seems, ultimately, no one will ever be better at fucking you up than yourself. Sometimes, so to speak, you have to be better than yourself. I do believe, at this point, I can do that. Apathy, ultimately, is the best way to go in this situation. But alas, there will sometimes be things that are too powerful for one to plead apathetic to.
Self-control is a bitch. And at the same time, I've never felt so much control before.
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